Feelings of Nothing
by Son Akito
Summary: She felt like she could never escape from this sense of nothing. Yet, when Colette looked into his eyes, he gave her hope. LloydxColette [One Shot]


**Hello! I have been writing this story for the last day. Had two different endings, but I came up with a better ending! Anyway, this takes place before the very last seal Colette has to break, so she can't feel things or talk right now. Before Kratos betrays them! Which that part sucked and I totally didn't see it coming! **

**That has nothing to do with the story, sorry, that part just makes me sad.  
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**I don't own ToS.  
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Feelings of Nothing

_-Son Akito_

She had always loved him, and it seemed like everyone in the world knew it but him.

She dreamed of telling him how she felt about him, but the young Chosen never had the courage to admit it. The girl always daydreamed of being in his grip, and even though she couldn't feel it, she _could_ feel it. It made her confused, but in a good way.

Colette was unable to speak due to her transformation, and ever since then; she really wanted to tell Lloyd how she felt about him. During this journey, during all these changes, that young man made her feel better. He was always there, with that goofy smile of his. Telling her that everything would be alright, and even though she knew that it won't be alright; he gave her hope.

She would only communicate though Lloyd, because he seemed like he was the only one that could understand her. She traced words though his palm, and he translated her thoughts prefectly. Late at night, she would come into his room and they would talk. Well-- he'd do all the talking, and the only thing she could do was to listen. Every time she felt sad, and he was able to sense it and say something encoruaging or sweet that would make her forget what she was thinking in the first place.

Sometimes, when they were alone together, Colette would try to speak. She would try to tell Lloyd how she felt about him. The way his voice made her smile, the way his touch made her feel warm, the way his eyes were so innocent that it made her feel alive.

Her mouth would be open, her lips would be moving, but nothing but air escaped. It was a dreadful sound– and even though no one could hear it– inside her mind she could hear all her hopes cracking.

Lloyd would stop talking by this point. He'd wrapped his arm around her, and in a sense that made her feel worst. That he was trying to comfort her, but she couldn't feel it. Her whole body felt like ice, it was this stinging type of coldness--that was the only way she could think to describe it. Even though she knew deep down that it wasn't coldness.

She felt nothing, and even _his_ embrace didn't change that.

The Chosen could never escape from this sense of nothing, and as Lloyd and the others would fall asleep and dream, she wasn't able too. The days and nights were so long, but also, time escaped her. At one point she had forgotten what day it was, or season, or year. It all seemed to mush together. Time would fly past her, and during the days they would walk and the nights they would rest. Colette didn't need rest though, she didn't need to eat or sleep like the rest of them. She could go on forever, and sometimes she wanted too. Just so this journey would reach it's conclusion.

In a weird sense, she wished that during her death she could feel something. That maybe the reason that a Chosen had to become an angel was that they could embrace death. Welcome it so all this could _actually_ end.

That would kill Lloyd though, she knew that. He didn't know what her job as a Chosen entailed, and she made sure the keep that a secert. Yet, he was able to figure out her lie about her senses, maybe he would figure out this one out as well.

She couldn't even bring herself to wonder how Lloyd would react to _that_. She had to protect him as well as herself. She didn't want to think how he--

It didn't really matter, and that is one thing the girl hated to think about. That in the skim of things none of it mattered. She was born to die. She knew that for as long as she could remember. It was what she had to do for the world, it's people, it's nature, her family, her friends, and Lloyd.

All her life she was selfless, and in the middle of the night when everyone had to rest but her; she would look up into the sky and wish she had the courage to be selfish. Lloyd made her wish she could live for herself, and that was a blessing and a curse. The thought made her smile, and the idea made her regret.

After Lloyd's arm would be around her, and he would tell her such wonderful things that she would look into his eyes. For a few moments they would stare at each other, until Lloyd would look away and lightly blush. He would say something, but Colette couldn't hear it. Her thoughts were screaming at her, they were so loud she couldn't understand what they were saying. The two parted, and Colette was left feeling--nothing, but _something_.

At times, she wished she could spared those wings across her back and fly away. She didn't have anywhere to go, yet she wished she could fly away just once. The winged angel would return--she knew she couldn't go away forever-- it was always a dream of hers to fly off and see something amazing.

If only someone could join her. Then maybe she would be so brave as to take off like that.

Colette tried to speak, she wanted to have this thought reach her tounge, but yet again nothing but her breath came out. She had wanted to cry just then--and maybe she was--she couldn't _feel_ anyway. So even if tears had reached her eyes, she won't be able to tell if they were there or not. So she stood there alone, and every thought she had ever had about her life surfaced. There were so many happy times, there were many sad times, and they seemed like forever ago.

It's not like she had a sense of time anymore. Maybe they were a hunderd years ago, maybe they were only just yesterday, she couldn't remember.

She didn't know how long it had been, but she turned around to find that young man's arms wrapped around her. Her eyes widen, wondering how long Lloyd had been there.

He didn't say anything at first, but she could see his grip tigthen around her. She had wished she could feel it, but if she did, she would of realized he was there sooner. She wanted to trace something on his palm, like a joke or something, maybe then she won't have to see that expression on his face. Nothing came to mind though. So she stood there, feeling naked. She was stripped of her feelings and her senses and time. Everything was taken from her. That's the only word that came to mind was nothing.

She grabbed his hand and placed her finger on it, as if she was ready to tell him something. The words didn't come to her, she just stared at that finger placed on his palm. She could see the contact, but her brain couldn't process it. It wasn't doing its job, if it was, she could feel it.

The young man before her didn't react, but merely watched her. He saw her hesitating, he saw her eyes twitching as she looked at their hands. Suddenly, her body began to shake. Lloyd didn't know what to do at first, since the girl didn't tell him what was bothing her. Instead, he shut his eyes and held her closer to him, trying to make her stop.

Colette didn't know that she was shaking, she couldn't tell that Lloyd had pulled her closer to him. All she could think about were their two hands, clearly touching one another, but if she hadn't been looking she would of never known it.

She opened her mouth to say something to him, she wasn't sure what she would of said even if she had the ability to speak, and it didn't matter because nothing came to her. Only her soft breath breathed out, and it was another horrible sound. Her heart was about to break in half. She wanted to cry, maybe she was crying, but that didn't matter either because nothing could make this nothingness go away.

Colette broke lose of Lloyd's grip, she couldn't tell how harshly she ripped from him, but it caused the young man to fall backwards. He sat up, looking up at the Chosen in confusion. She didn't know how to react to him anymore, and took off running into the night.

She couldn't tell how fast she was running, or how far she had ran. It felt like she was running for _years_, and she wasn't even tired. She could of ran for another hundred years if she had wanted, but the young Chosen decided against it and stopped.

He could never love her, she thought, because she would die at the end of this. He couldn't die with her, she thought, because she won't want his life to end with hers. Even if she was able to live though this--which was another dream Lloyd had given her--there was no telling how long this curse of not feelings or senses or time would last, and with the exsphere she could live a very long life. Colette didn't even want to live this life with only this nothing.

She leaned her body against the tree next to her and looked up into the stars above the sky. It was late at night, and a part of her hopped that Lloyd just went back to bed. They had a early morning ahead of them, and it's not like she needed the rest or anything. The only good thing about not needing sleep was that she could spend her nights looking at the stars. There were so many of them.

It made her smile, and it was wonderful, but the young Chosen wasn't able to tell. Those stars winked at her, and it made that smile even bigger. She reached out her hand towards the sky, and so many thoughts jumped though her brain. She wasn't able to understand what those thoughts were telling her, but all she knew was that if she reached out that hand--

--Another would fall into it.

Lloyd grabbed ahold of her hand, she directed her eyes towards him, "Don't you _ever_ do that again."

The smile she didn't know she had vanished as she looked down at the ground, Colette opened Lloyd's palm to trace an apology. As she spelled out her words, and Lloyd softly spoke them to himself, he put his hand on her head, "You dork, you don't have to feel _that_ bad about it."

She didn't say anything else to him, instead she just slowly brought herself to the ground. She had wished that Lloyd really did go to bed, so she could think all of this though.

Yet, the only thing she could think about was him.

Lloyd followed her as he sat down next to her, "Aren't the stars amazing?" He flopped his head down and laid on the ground.

Colette watched him look at the stars, and softly smiled at him.

Lloyd's eyes glanced up at hers, before he touched her shoulder, "Come on," he tugged her into his arms she fell to the ground.

If she was able to talk, she would of giggled just then. Lloyd saw that she was trying to laugh. He grinned at her, hoping that she was able to stop being so sad. He would do anything for her, even if that meant staying up the whole night to make sure she was okay.

They stayed just like that, looking at the stars above the sky. Lloyd was pointing out constellations to her, and Colette would correct him on the names that he mistaken. It was a good night, both of the teens were able to smile just for a little bit.

The young man had tried his best, but after a few hours of laying in the grass, glancing up at the stars, and Colette in his arms–Lloyd had fallen asleep. She stayed within his grip, that grip she had always wanted to be in. It felt so right to her.

Her fingers softly moved up and down Lloyd's arm, she stared at her finger tips making contact with Lloyd's arm. She couldn't feel it, the only way she knew that she was touching him was because she was looking right at it. All this nothingness was nothing but weird to her. How she took touching someone for granted before. Everything before this she took for granted.

Like all those time she could of told him-

There was too much to think about, as the Chosen spent the rest of the night watching her fingers lightly moving up and down Lloyd's arm.

For once, it didn't feel like a hundred years, and Lloyd had woken up. The sun was climbing up into the sky, the stars they have been looking at were fading away. They stayed in each other's grip for a moment longer, before Lloyd had stood up. He reached out his hand to help her up, she took it, and stood up next to him.

The young man pointed towards the camp, saying that they had better hurry before the others would worry. She quietly shook his head, as they started to walk back.

She always enjoyed her nights with Lloyd, and inside her head she always daydreamed that he would tell her that he loved her too, and they could embrace in that first kiss.

That thought seem to dance in her head more and more as they continued to walk back to camp. Just thinking about it made her blush, but of course she didn't know if she was _actually _blushing or not.

She looked up at Lloyd, and the Chosen didn't know how long she was looking at him, but as soon as Lloyd turned his head she turned away. That was when she looked down at her hand, it was still holding Lloyd's hand.

The Chosen didn't know what to make of this, if she could feel anything right now–it would be joy. The joy that she was able to hold Lloyd's hand like this. That he could of let go of her a long time ago but didn't.

It made everything okay–for once, she had hope with no clouds covering it up.

The nights and days still dragged on after that moment, her feelings and senses and time still didn't return to her. Her death was coming up– nothing changed. She always have that scent of nothing hanging around her.

Yet, when looking up at him, she tried her very best to smile, and to feel it.


End file.
